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Saturday, August 13, 2005

Piano & me

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I was fasting today and God showed me something slightly after, as I was reading the chapter on “the power of acceptance”, God showed me again how I fear failure because of my weakness. It was in line with the theme God was revealing to me last wk, I believe the work is not complete and he is still revealing in me on this particular issue.

Last keyboard lesson I was faced with much pressure as it took me about 2 weeks to master a certain rhythm. I feel quite inadequate compared to the rest of the class as they all seemed to catch everything so quickly. So for the last 2 wks, the usual me who will rush home to practice everyday after a new song, took many days off from practicing, mainly as I felt too discouraged to pick it up. I began to have doubts in my mind, feeling that I was inadequate, feeling that I’ve never been very good at anything I do. And God took the wks of experience to purge many weakness I have. I realized that I have been trapped in a mindset since young that I have to be the top of the class in everything I do. I rose very young to be the first lead child singer for a then SBC drama program, I passed every audition with flying colours, actually as far as I remember, it was effortless as well. I lapped up praises from adults and peers alike. After which, in my early teens I failed in one singing competition and I never sang anymore. It broke my heart. A media mentioned of the falling of a child prodigy made a big dent in my life. I couldn’t eat for a day. At 10years old, my dream of being a singer dashed. At 12, I picked up another hobby and began to win competitions here and there. But I never broke through in my fear of failing.

In our life, we win some, we lose some, and then there’s the in-between. Even the knowledge of this could only help us to comprehend the workings of the world superficially. Now, some 19 years later, God probed again. When Holy Spirit works, he gently but surely purge from deep within our souls, because in the beginning he was the word, the word which is his truth sets us free.

Let me continue my story. I was whispering a song on the holy spirit and he spoke to me. God was not looking for perfect people, he was looking for faithful people. I must say, for someone who is not gifted in discipline, whether it is perfect or faithful, these may seem like an insurmountable mountain.

But the Grace of God provides where we ourselves cannot. Throughout the years, God himself helped me greatly in the area of discipline. I had learnt to be faithful despite my feelings, despite the circumstances. Travelling on the same path faithfully and diligently is a result of faith which God has planted and watered in my heart, causing it to grow over time. It did not come easy, and it did not come instantly. Now I am blessed with a husband, gifted in discipline and thus faithfulness that comes with it. I continue to learn from him on this journey of being faithful.

Because I am a creative kid, I am like what most Singaporean parents would say “stupid” in this academic craze world. It was not possible to think I am smart and then not feel smart, because the whole equation just doesn’t work! God revealed to me the weakness he placed in people is for us to depend on him, and not for us to look down upon. I also understood if I could not accept the grace and acceptance that God had offered to me, I could not accept myself or be gracious to myself for my own weakness and hence unto others as well. So it is so with whatever un-christlike way people treat one another, it is because they themselves are first trapped in the same way, that they subconciously expect others to be “trapped” like them.

Most of us, because of our weakness, we try harder. Basically we miss the freedom perspective that Jesus so freely gives us. Now I know that even if I am given a set of poor memory and the lack of a mathematical mind, the greatest thing is that I have a Big God I can depend on. Since I am married, I might give this perspective as well. Just because our spouse may be gifted in the area that we’re not does not give us the excuse to depend on him alone. God’s intention is that we can first depend on the holy spirit and experience the freedom that his truth brings. My husband is gifted both with excellent memory and a sharp mathematical mind, whereas for me, I can rest assured that creativity is not a bad word. I am just a child soaked in an abundant grace of God. What I cannot do, I can because Jesus lives in me. When I am weak, I am strong! How powerful is that?