Then I would worship on my keyboard in the morning and cry at my desk in the afternoon when kids nap. I cried at the movies, I cried during worship, I cried whenever something triggered a memory. The tears would come at the most unexpected moment.
I read voraciously. I found solace in perfect strangers, in biographies of those who went through the same. I kept away from people who judged or "knew better".
I was reminded by what the pastor said, " A desert is a place you go alone. No one could go with you. It is also a place that God can be found."
Today, I was reminded of the Shofar. The first pendant I bought last year was a Shofar pendant. Shofar is a symbolism of victory. I fell in love with the pendant when I first saw it. I love being victorious. I think it is an important aspect of life and no one should live without experiencing Spirit-led victory in their lives. I remembered it was kept carefully in a box and I had not worn it for awhile.
F. Scott Fitzgerald said that the "test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function." I seriously have no idea how a person could live like that. I tried and could not. Was I suppose to be running high on first-rate intelligence yet ignore a heart that was literally torn into two, with either side shouting the loudest?
It was a feeling that could easily lead one to give up on everything, or risk it all and go for the kill. Either or, it is a neurological mixed-up. I believe I was a double-minded man, unstable in all my ways. James 1:8 that "A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
It was difficult to shake that off. In the midst of educating and caring for the children, organising and running activities with the various groups that I was taking care of, the Lord would so graciously set aside time for me. He met me in unexpected moments.
He draws me gently, soothes my pain and let me drink by his living stream, a sip at a time. I learnt to enter his rest again, a familiar embrace that never once gave up on me.
Peace and Strength are found his presence. And this is no two opposing ideas. This song echoed my deepest heart cry.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."
As if someone up there hears me, a lady in church prophesied over me yesterday, "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4.
There is only one way and it will be the Lord's way.
"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now"
Please enjoy this wonderful worship song.
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
